86 Ways.

I would really love to be one of those Go Green enthusiasts.  I really would.  I just don't seem to be doing the greatest job. 

I went to a function a little while ago for the Liberty Hill Foundation (check out libertyhill.org), it was fantastic.  It was at this fancy schmancy hotel and the food was ridiculous. I was seated at a table with these amazing journalists, a woman who had just won an award for her work in stem cell research and JJ Abrams. Basically the weirdest group of people you could've sat together. But it was awesome nonetheless.  The goody bags were filled with many items to please: a GREEN American Apparel scarf, Good Magazine (which is one of my favorites), and a bunch of other goodies having to do with saving the environment.  As the event came to a close, the droves and droves of people moved to the front of the hotel to retrieve their cars from valet.  I have never seen so many Prius' and electric cars in one place.  Now, I drive a pick-up truck.  A fairly big one. I had already given my ticket to the sweet valet boy inside, and I was desperately trying to find him and tell him to just pull the car around the corner.  Or something way far out of view.  But of course he was nowhere to be found.  Low and behold, my truck is pulling up for all to see.  I hear the horrified gasps as it roars up to the curb like a snorting black stallion.  So what do I do?  I sit on the bench and act like it's not mine. After about 15 minutes, they bring my stupid truck all the way to the front.  And the valet guy hops out and starts waving his arms at me.  I wave back and continue to sit on my bench with a woman who is talking to me about world hunger.  Finally, the boy comes over and says, "Your truck has been out here for a while."  "Oh really?" I say, trying to act surprised, like I haven't seen or heard the dusty, filthy beast that stood high above the Tangos and hybrids.  I slowly get up and make my long "carbon footprint" walk to the truck, get in and drive away.  It was a good feeling.  You know, having everyone look at you like you just murdered 1500 children with your bare hands.  Awesome.

So yeah... I'm working on this whole green thing.   

The reason for this story is I recently started to receive a magazine called Radar.  I never subscribed to it, but somehow it made its way to my mailbox.  I'm glad it did.

Here is an article that gave me a good laugh.  It is really 100 Ways, but I just put the ones I liked on here.  And the very best best ones in bold.  

Hope you enjoy it:

86 WAYS WE'RE TRYING TO GO GREEN

1.  Powering down Grandma's respirator after dark.

2.  If it's yellow, letting it mellow.

3.  Definitely thinking about downloading some world music this weekend.

4.  Finally extinguishing that backyard tire fire.

5.  Turning down the air conditioners in our Malaysian sweatshop.

6.  Using Bat Signal only when necessary.

7.  Making sure the Hummer's fridge is outfitted with plenty of organically grown veggies.

8.  When taking cabs, insisting that drivers turn off their headlights.

9.  Lobbying to make acid rain renamed "Purple Rain" to make concept more accessible to Gen Xers.

10.  Promoting "Gorp Day" at Yankee stadium.  

11.  Although not carpooling, consenting to use the carpool lane.

12.  Switching from plastic water bottles to a wooden cup tethered around neck with twine.

13.  Controlling the compulsive need to incinerate underwear after each use.

14.  Naming firstborn "Inconvenient Truth."

15.  Switching to paperless death threats.

16.  Settling for slightly less awesome laser shows.

17.  Forgoing baths for rigorous cycle of "wind-bathing."

18.  Petitioning NASA to convert all space shuttles to electric/unleaded gas hybrids.

19.  Offering our above-ground pool to big business for toxic waste removal.

20.  Switching to hemp implants.

21.  Insisting that Basking-Robbins workers wash and reuse our pink sample spoons.

22.  Less grocery shopping, more bow hunting.

23.  Waterboarding straight from the tap.

24.  Forgoing paper napkins and wiping hands on pants.

25.  Wearing computerized R2-D2 costume only at major sci-fi conventions.

26.  Calling the White House every ten minutes.

27.  Spending whatever it takes to make the foot-powered Flintstones car a reality.

28.  Devoting left pocket of jeans solely to composting.

29.  Donating 5% of my income to the Rainforest Cafe.

30.  Advancing Winged Migration to #1 in Netflix queue.

31.  Not buying that polar bear ankle muff.

32.  Setting T-shirt cannon to low.

33.  Asking "Have I shamed to anyone today?"

34.  Taking bus to job at the Freon plant.

35.  Unplugging all but our most essential lava lamps.

36.  Instead of owning TV, watching neighbor's TV through telescope.

37.  Replacing light bulbs with kerosene soaked torches.

38.  Washing the Escalade with citrus-based cleansers.

39.  Instead of scooping up dog turds into plastic bags, just kind of kicking them to the side.   

40.  Buying a bunch of rain sticks from the hippie at the mall.

41.  Eating only "found" food.

42.  TiVo-ing anything Ed Begley, Jr. -related.

43.  Compensating for our carbon footprints by liquidating equivalent consumers.  

44.  Taking long walks and pondering a world in which our kids couldn't enjoy huge indoor malls, too.

45.  Posting book reviews instead os tossing thousands of leaflets out our car windows.

46.  Giving Captain Planet another shot.

47.  Shopping at Whole Foods or whatever.

48.  Bypassing wasteful containers and insisting Frappuccino be pumped directly into esophagus.

49.  Replacing Christmas tree with mound of freshly shorn grass from highway median.

50.  Switching from spray to to roll-on tan. 

51.  Slitting gills into chest just in case underwater adaptation becomes necessary.

52.  Changing e-mail signature to include a photograph of a smiling penguin.

53.  Running all marathons dressed as Mother Earth.

54.  Decreasing junk mail by living under a bridge.

55.  No longer using the 18-wheel rig to run errands.

56.  Reducing the size of giant novelty checks by 10%.

57.  Building McMansion that will biodegrade in two months.

58.  Getting the Guardian Angels involved.

59.  Only half-drying pets in the microwave.

60.  Humoring solar panel salesman.

61.  Not paying bills online instead of not paying bills on paper.

62.  Eating less porpoise.

63.  Instead of throwing away old antifreeze, letting the next tenants worry about it.

64.  Canceling son's bar mitzvah reception on oil platform.

65.  Donating broken cell phones and pagers to kids who wouldn't otherwise have a Christmas.

66.  Encouraging people to use biofuels; pretending to be deaf when asked what they are.

67.  Switching to cloth adult diapers.

68.  Responding to news of latest coal miner tragedy with complete lack of empathy.

69.  Murdering drifters in pairs to conserve trash bags.

70.  Urging condo association to ratify Kyoto treaty.

71.  Instead of golf carts, switching to Korean/Chinese caddy hybrid.

72.  Saying "I've seen Who Killed The Electric Car 68 times," and then saying "Yes, I'm deadly serious."

73.  Taking up residence in neighbor's tree until he agrees to start recycling.

74.  Modifying car's engine to run on rocking power of U2.

75.  Same thing we're doing about the war on terrorism: writing a very impassioned blog post.

76.  Cutting down on our own personal "greenhouse gas emissions" with Beano.

77.  Changing gang colors to green.

78.  Instead of broiling steak, wrapping it in warm scarf.

79.  Eliminating personal environmental impact by putting self in chemically induced coma.

80.  Recycling 15 years' worth of "How To Recycle" pamphlets.

81.  Replacing electric chair with good old fashioned guillotine. 

82.  No longer melting polar ice caps with our sizzling hot freakdancing.

83.  Demanding frightened illegal immigrant at car wash describe how water is treated and recycled.

84.  Establishing "Tofu Tuesdays!" in prison commissary.

85.  Taking only two 30 minute showers per day.

86.  Old paint cans = new shoes!